Fuck my life.


That's it, that's all I even feel right now.

I shake when I hold a pen.
My eyes are bloodshot for the first time.
They got this way when our adventure first started.

I never notice how hollow my cheeks look when
you're not in my company, but then again,
I never cared to look at an image without you in it.

You could drive me,
but we could hold hands and snuggle sides if we walked.
I'll take friction over heat in the dead of winter,
because at least I know it wasn't made for us-just by us.

I'll close my eyes and see you in the pink skin of my lids.
No romantic dream is worth missing your breaths.

I find it hard to keep you, but I find it impossible
to keep myself without the idea of forever.

It's so weird to have someone that wants to give you everything anytime.
Weird, but also really appreciated.
I forgot what it was like to have someone just want to be with you, even if
you're not feeling well, or looking well.
Sometimes, I find myself being really critical not only on myself, but with him as well.
It's really not fair, but I know why i do it.
It's a poor excuse, but infortunately its the truth.
I don't take compliments well, i don't take positive feelings well from other people either.
I was getting so used to everything said to me in a relationship perspective, as shit.
That's what it seems it was, because those words were empty.
I finally figured out that words like "I love you" can just spill out of someone and they don't mean it
one bit.
They say "I love you." hang up the phone and go and do some other stuff or say the same
things to some other girl.
You were just another notch.
Smoothe words from someone who couldn't care less about you, just that you're with them.
Even if it means putting them aside for now.
I'm so happy about what decisions i have made.
I used to beat myself up over anything i decided on.
But this time, i'm really proud of myself.
I wake up happy every morning..and that's without pills.
It sounds lame, but that used to be the only thing that could do it for me.
I'm so stoked.
I never expected this, but i'm so happy i gave it a chance.

Its been a long time since i have said anything seriously in a post.
I took a whole year off again because my parents agreed to pay my debts from
last year and pay for tuition next year.

I live with a boy now.
Everynight I get into bed and it's nice knowing he is there.
So many things are so different and i'm so happy.
I realize that I am indeed not a door mat.
I also learned that there are people who want to treat you right and show you love.
True love.
"Diamond in the rough" love.
That's why the next ink is a diamond.
One in a million.
And I got it.

I got really angry the other day,
and i haven't shaken it since.
I think i actually might hate you.
Sincerely.

the last two days have been fucking retarded.
you tell the truth, and you say what you say but THEN its all more severe two weeks later,
i'm not sorry i didn't lie to someone who asked me to my face for the truth.
its also not my fault that the person asking the questions wanted out of his relationship to begin with.
i didn't say yes, and i didn't say no.
i figure, if all of the drama finally walks out maybe everyone will be better.
Whats ESPECIALLY ridiculous is that people act like they were at the scene of the accident, when indeed, you were not, neither were your family members, who by the way have to right to act that they are older and smarter then me.
I said what happened exactly like that from the get go.
Trying to bad talk me to my ex boyfriend who is still SUPER close to me won't get you anywhere.
He knows what i have said about him, and we talk...him and i. not you. you don't know.
i'm glad i know so much more now because i look at it and i'm stoked for one person and the progress they have made, and i look at the other one with a of regret.
friendship. value it. and know who you're bad talking and calling a "liar" before you do so. Considering its the same story the whole time.
Shouldering the failure of your relationship isn't right, nor justifiable; its over because someone wanted it to be and not because of me telling the truth.
but if telling yourself that helps you sleep at night, hold on to that thought real tight, cause god knows your pillow will listen.
i'm glad hes happy. and i'm glad my REAL friends know that i'm honest in not lying when asked a serious question.
GUILT FREE.
Oh, and trying to get the boy who likes me to talk about your problems to is lame, because hes almost ready to tell you things he knows that you wouldn't like to hear. Let it go.
 

i don't think i can do this.
i want to.
i just don't think i can.

i have no one to call.

I d on't understnad why I treat the one person I love like crap when I get in a bad mood that actually has nothing to do with him.
I pretty much deserve to be alone anyway.
I see my dad and I'm so stoked. Maybe seeing and talking to him is what I need.
I hope everything works out because I really don't want this to end.
Also, I'm at work and I'm sick as a dog with sneezing and a runny nose. 
I'm gross.
And mean. 
And I hate myself for how I spoke to the love of my life.

Everything worked out for my school stuff! Yay!
All of my friends seem really happy, which i'm really happy about.
I'm really happy. I have been having the sweetest time with my friends from school and not from school.
Its nice having both so close.
Tonight becky, kiki and wille are having a sleepover at my house with me tonight.
I'm looking really forward to it.
There's going to be a lot of laughing and movies.
Everything feels so good.
Family and everything. AND! I got the lowest phone bill EVER today!
so stoked.

i am only saying, i need you.
can we talk awhile,something real?
no more what to think what to feel.
i am only saying i need you.

i have been so long away for so long.

Just say we are more then friends, just once, and I won't go on this other date tomorrow.

I apparently have the desire to drink 26ers BEFORE i go to the bar, and then at the bar i desire to drink everything in sight. Then i like to sing and dance on the bar in my dress and pull the bartender up with me and dedicate "Bartender" by T-Pain to him. I also like to run in highheels in down town toronto. I also party so hard that my guy friends don't know what to do. I also like to get so drunk that me and my friends sit in the tub in high heels and underwear and have "serious" talks. I love my friends, and my random life. Last night seems so surreal, but when i woke up this morning and there were 8 people here with me, i remembered everything and I couldn't help but laugh. We give our friends good birthdays.

and never will i give up trying 'cause you're everything to me.

This weekend was my favourite one with you.
It wasn't your present or anything, it was how you made me feel.
You were there, and you let me know it.
You are the most awesome boyfriend ever.

I love when you touch me all the time just because you are beside me.
You are so good to me.
You're my for sure.

i couldnt believe you were actually that rude to me.
i definitley didn't do anything to deserve "K! bye!" "Click"
K! Bye Then!
i'm holding onto something that will never be real or important to you.
i wished all night for a phone call.
things change...if you let them.

last night was ill.
I got to see someone i hadnt seen in so long and we went for a walk.
we sat by water and i cried and he listened. 
He told me that he thinks im as great as i always was.
last night in general was really good.
we didnt go to that shitty dance.
we went to the bar.
i had really good french fries and hung out with dan mccallum.
everyone was so drunk it was unreal.
i funneled and i did pretty good.
becky and kent told me to go "hang out" which meant sex
so i went with everyone to the bar and they never showed up even though i was supposed to sleep at his house.
Luckily, wille was there and he let me sleep at his house which at this point i really had no choice.
i came here and got my own little warm bed. 
And he mad breakfast.
I miss matt.
It was hard being so upset without him around to fix things.
He was all i thought about.
I really need to give him space.
I just love him too much.

it feels like it did one time.
i feel full of anxiety, like i'm counting down minutes.
i feel like i'm bracing myself for the absolute worst because i have done it before.
i wish i could stop feeling like this, but all i can do is put a guard up.
i couldn't deal with it. it feels like everything i want is falling apart.

i made a facebook tonight. I just wanted to see how many friends i would get and i already have over 30 and i have had one for like 15 minutes. weird. it asked me my relationship status and at first i put "Its complicated" and then i was like no its not, right now it is but im pretty much engaged. I love you Matt Williams.

i'm at work right now which isnt all bad. my boss is awesome. my life is kind of up in the air right now and i dont have time for much at all. oh well. Dear Neil Coxworth, I miss you!! I want to see you very soon! Get back in my life! :) I love Becky Tindall. I get my hair done tomorrow and thats exciting i feel like i want a huge change so i dont have to be me anymore. I'm spending the weekend at matts, that will be nice. everything feels calm right now since im coming into the weekend, i'm happy for that.

i love my cat turkey pie. Shes getting big. I still feel kind of mixed up. and now that my dad is mad i dont really want to talk to anyone. I drove the truck tonight and not very surprising, i drive better then my mom does. work was lame todaty. no one really wants to work they just have to. it feels like the summer is going to come really fast and thats great. i think i might throw a party next weekend for may 24. this weekend was confusing but at the same time a bit relieving. I will have to get a bit more sleep. im cold and i want to shower.

i want to steal the neighbour cat and treat him how he deserves to be treated.